Scratch (programming language)

Scratch is a website that, while claiming to help children code, actually brainwashes them into playing on it until they dance like they've never danced before. Its mascot, the Scratch Cat, scratches children. Scratch only exists if specific conditions are met.

History
In 1969, Jeff Goldblum created Scratch because he was having trouble coding in Java. An MIT undergraduate heard about it, and stole the patent for Scratch. In 1970, Scratch was officially unveiled at MIT. However, in 1971, someone uploaded a porn video. After that, the amount of porn on Scratch increased exponentially; by 1985, there was more porn in Scratch than Pornhub! In 1989, MIT decided to shut down Scratch's servers until they deleted all of the porn on Scratch and uploaded it to Pornhub, which happened in 2007.

When does Scratch exist?
Scratch exists if Porky Pig gets a black eye by a stampede of wild elephants between 3:55 and 4:00 PM on the Fourth of July and the Scratch Cat is in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology scratching a computer on a Friday. Thus, Scratch only exists if the Fourth of July is on Friday.