Scratch (programming language)

Scratch is a website created by the Massachusetts government that, while claiming to help children code, actually brainwashes them into playing on it until they dance like they've never danced before. Its mascot, the Scratch Cat, scratches children. Scratch only exists if specific conditions are met.

History
In 1969, Jeff Goldblum created Scratch because he was having trouble coding in Java. An MIT undergraduate heard about it, and stole the patent for Scratch. In 1970, Scratch was officially unveiled at MIT. However, in 1971, someone uploaded a porn video. After that, the amount of porn on Scratch increased exponentially; by 1985, there was more porn on Scratch than on Pornhub! In 1989, MIT decided to shut down Scratch's servers until they deleted all of the porn on Scratch and uploaded it to Pornhub, which happened in 2007.

When Does Scratch Exist?
Scratch exists if Gobo gets a black eye by a stampede of wild tigers between 3:55 and 4:00 AM on New Year's Day during a diamond blizzard in the North Pole and the Scratch Cat is in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology making virtual toast on a Friday. Therefore, Scratch only exists if New Year's Day is on Friday.

Scratch Hierarchy

 * Scratch Team, a group of kittens that scratch people.
 * Scratcher, a person that scratches things.
 * New Scratcher, a person that has recently started scratching things and has therefore joined the Scratch cult.
 * Non-Scratcher, a person that does not scratch things.

How Do I Become a Scratcher?
Scratch any MIT undergraduate every day for 14 days. Congratulations, you're a scratcher!